February 5, 2012

Yesterday Andrew and I went to OMI. It was a marriage seminar of sorts, I suppose… Anyway, we went and gathered much needed information. 

Let me stop here and preface this by saying: when you go to a marriage seminar (or any seminar), don’t expect for everything to change immediately. You have to practice what you have learned. You are not going to get it as soon as you hear it. It will take practice.  I know I just said the same thing twice. I said it because you need to hear it. Everything is NOT going to change in the blink of an eye. You both need to learn how to communicate effectively, respectfully, and lovingly.

I had already learned much of the things we heard yesterday when I was a young teenager. I had already been practicing it “on” Andrew. But a spark hit me and I really got it. And, he got it too. I wasn’t the only one trying. I know that it is going to take us much more practice, but me being human (AND American), I want it now. I want the change to happen right now. But, how could I learn from mistakes if I never make them? How could I learn to never do something or to do something if I never do it? Does that make sense?

You always want to learn from your mistakes because that tells you never to do that again.

It’s hard to love someone who doesn’t seem to love you. I was talking to my aunt yesterday and today about it. She said she understood what I was going through. My uncle wasn’t exactly showing her love nor respect when they were first married. I saw it. He was so rude to her and sometimes hateful. I never wondered, though, why she would let him treat her as such. It never hit me until I was older and able to understand the meaning of love and insecurities. 

Misty was insecure about herself and thought that she was supposed to be treated as such. But, she also loved him so much that she chose to pick her battles. I am nowhere close to endorsing disrespect for a spouse, I am merely stating how my aunt and uncle’s relationship was in the very beginning of their marriage.

Men need respect and women need love to feel like they are loved. Now, don’t get me wrong, men need love and women need respect but, in order for each one to feel like they are wanted and cared for, they need those specifically. 

Men, speak her love language even if she doesn’t speak yours. This is something that Andrew does not fully grasp the concept of. I desperately need to be touched. A hug here and there, a kiss, a booty-grab (at home!!!!), an arm around me, a hand on my leg when we sit, anything that shows me his affection. I do not care about receiving gifts or him doing things for me. Although that is a plus, it is not as vital to me as a simple touch here and there. 

Andrew does not need to be touched, so he doesn’t understand why I need it so badly. He hardly touches me without me prodding him to do so. He also doesn’t understand my “hint-hint” looks either. haha but he will learn. I just need to give him more time.

Women, respect your man even when he doesn’t deserve it. I am really trying my hardest to respect Andrew. This is something that I truly struggle in. Andrew isn’t the time that commands respect. He isn’t the average American male who sits in front of the TV and screams at it when a football play doesn’t do what it was supposed to. He is a quite, mild-mannered man who sometimes lets people take advantage of him and disrespect him. He is also not an optimist, which I cannot understand. I have always been one and always been a big dreamer. This is something that I have had to teach Andrew to be. It’s been difficult but he is beginning to change. For that and other reasons, it has been hard to show him the respect he needs. When I was growing up, my mother didn’t show me how to respect my dad. I am not blaming her I am just realizing how not to treat Andrew but how to respect him in a way my mother didn’t treat my dad. Everyday, I hear my mother in me. The way I say things, the things I say.

Start learning now how to better treat your spouse, your love. Treat them how you would want to be treated, with love and respect.

If your spouse if beating you, get out and get out NOW! You do not deserve the beating he/she dishes out. There is someone better for you. If you think he/she can change, that’s okay but you still need to remove yourself from the situation.